I thought this year would be the first year I ever definitely had a guy to kiss on new years’.
Somehow I managed to ruin one relationship tonight and still come out with a new years’ kiss. It’s too easy sometimes. I kind of get bored of it.
I think that’s why I go to so many different guys and I can’t just keep one. Cause I want them all. And I can get them all.
Guys have always shown me a lot of attention, my whole life since I was little. I’ve always been the pretty one. And the super athletic one. Guys would come up to talk to me just because of the way I looked. I figured out this was the reason and soon paired my looks up with a fantastic personality so that I could keep the guys interested. Who doesn’t want a pretty girl who is actually really cool too?
Growing up with brothers made this very easy. I can practically read guys’ minds. It’s awesome. I know how guys want me to act, and I also know how to get their blood pumping.
It’s actually very simple. Make a guy think that you’re giving him what he wants, and then just don’t. (Guys have told me this makes them crazy). And I can’t blame them honestly. What’s more enticing than having exactly what you want JUST out of arms reach away? SO close…but yet unattainable.
This makes them want to hunt you. Guys like earning things. (Real men do). They like the chase and the fact that they worked for something and got it. Especially when other guys want the same thing. Whoever gets it first is the winner. What guy doesn’t want to win?
I'm a guy in some ways. I like the chase. I like having someone there if I turn on the charm, but not always there every day.
It keeps things interesting that way.
Who wants to ALWAYS have someone on the other end of your phone wanting to hang out? I sure don't.
That may sound weird to some people because isn't that the whole purpose of life? To find that ONE person that you can spend the rest of your life with and call on every day? I don't think so. That's why so many people cheat. They get bored.
My solution to this problem is to just not settle down with someone. Why get into a serious relationship with someone when you know for a fact you will hurt them in the future?
To this, people will say- "That's called living. You take chances and get hurt and then one day one chance you take ends up working out. Then it's worth it."
When that day comes I will let y'all know.
Right now I am busy working on keeping my emotional and mental health up to par and I can't be worrying about someone else's. That sounds harsh but it's reality.
My focus right now is soccer and school. I thought that dating my best friend was the answer to everything. Oh no. There is officially no hope for me, ladies and gentlemen.
Even trying to date the ONE person that I am closest with, the ONE person that knows all of my dark secrets, and still loves me in spite of them, did not work out. I gave it a whopping 5 days.
Don't get me wrong- the first couple of days were magical. Like fairytale shit. I was like "Woah, why didn't I try this couple thing before, I kinda like it." That was the first 3ish days.
Then came the kissing and being inseperable. I don't know about you, but I am a very independent person. Having someone there all the time telling me how beautiful I was and how much he likes me and how perfect we are together kind of freaked the shit out of me.
I mean come on, I'm 18.
I am the only girl I think I know that is deathly afraid of commitment.
It's an issue. Really.
But on the other hand, like I was saying before, that's just how I am that's how I work. Reel 'em in, spit 'em back out. Don't get too serious or it gets harder. As long as they know you aren't being mean they will continue to be your friend.
That's how I get most of my best guy friends.
Get close to them but just close enough to where you can get away at any moment and it won't be a big deal.
Me leaving tonight was a big deal. I could tell. I tried to tell him how I was feeling and how I can't be in relationships and he just kept saying how sad he would be if it ended like this.
If it were any other guy I would feel sympathy for him for a little while (because I'm really not heartless I promise) but then end up moving on.
But when it's your best friend things get tricky.
It's not just my feelings, it's my best friend's feelings. Someone who I have been there for in his darkest times, and who has been there for me in my darkest times. Someone who always knows how to make me laugh or how to put a smile on my face when I'm just not in the mood. He knows how to put me in the mood.
Someone like that you can't just throw away.
Unless you don't have a heart.
Sometimes I think I must not have a heart. If you knew me you would laugh at that statement. I have the biggest heart out of any person I know.
But that's just the problem.
It's too big.
Everyone's feelings turn into my feelings, I can't help it.
If someone is hurting I am hurting and I will do ANYTHING for ANY of my friends. That's just who I am.
It makes me wonder if a part of me has hardened because of my life.
I won't kid myself, I know for a fact part of my heart has hardened.
It just makes me sad for myself.
If I can't fall in love with my best friend, then who can I fall in love with?
