When things are going perfect it's hard to blog all the time.
Why?
Because everything's perfect and you don't want to pause life, even for a second.
Well, I now have a second to myself and I decided to update all of you.
As I mentioned, right now my life is going great.
I finally got the guy I wanted and he is all mine.
Soccer is going well, we are 7-1 so far and district hasn't even started.
January 14, 2012
I am floating on clouds right now.
Walking from my car to my front door required no leg movement- my happiness carried me the whole way.
I want to feel like this forever.
Tomorrow is the dance. THE dance. You know, the one that's so important for the future of my relationship with him?
Well, I gave him a week and he caved early.
(Actually he told me that he was trying to hold out as long as he could just to prove a point to me, and I can't blame him I would have done the same thing.)
But his best friend finally just layed it out for him- if you can't stop thinking about her then she must be worth something.
And I am.
HE is.
We are together.
He called me and we worked things out.
I went over to his friends house, and I swear seeing him made my whole heart smile.
Then it spread across my face.
Just between you and I- my secret like perfect reunion is where the guy picks me up and twirls me about, then we look into each others eyes and kiss.
I GOT MY PERFECT REUNION TONIGHT!
After almost 3 weeks of not seeing each other, he grabs me and lifts me up, tells me in the most perfect way how much he misses me, and plants a big one right on my lips.
The movies have to get their material from somewhere, right?
I didn't even look cute.
I had Nike shorts and a t-shirt on, with my huge puffy soccer jacket over, and my face had next to no make-up on it while the tops of my cheeks were speckled with remnants of sunlight from earlier today. My hair was in a bun. (Those are his favorite.)
But it doesn't matter to him.
He always thinks I'm cute.
And those green eyes- good Lord I wish I could look into those forever.
I have noticed over the years that I have a thing for green eyes, and I think I found the perfect pair.
And I'm never gonna let these go.
Walking from my car to my front door required no leg movement- my happiness carried me the whole way.
I want to feel like this forever.
Tomorrow is the dance. THE dance. You know, the one that's so important for the future of my relationship with him?
Well, I gave him a week and he caved early.
(Actually he told me that he was trying to hold out as long as he could just to prove a point to me, and I can't blame him I would have done the same thing.)
But his best friend finally just layed it out for him- if you can't stop thinking about her then she must be worth something.
And I am.
HE is.
We are together.
He called me and we worked things out.
I went over to his friends house, and I swear seeing him made my whole heart smile.
Then it spread across my face.
Just between you and I- my secret like perfect reunion is where the guy picks me up and twirls me about, then we look into each others eyes and kiss.
I GOT MY PERFECT REUNION TONIGHT!
After almost 3 weeks of not seeing each other, he grabs me and lifts me up, tells me in the most perfect way how much he misses me, and plants a big one right on my lips.
The movies have to get their material from somewhere, right?
I didn't even look cute.
I had Nike shorts and a t-shirt on, with my huge puffy soccer jacket over, and my face had next to no make-up on it while the tops of my cheeks were speckled with remnants of sunlight from earlier today. My hair was in a bun. (Those are his favorite.)
But it doesn't matter to him.
He always thinks I'm cute.
And those green eyes- good Lord I wish I could look into those forever.
I have noticed over the years that I have a thing for green eyes, and I think I found the perfect pair.
And I'm never gonna let these go.
January 8, 2012
I finally received a text from him!
After 2 days of complete ignorance, he decided to text me back.
The text didn't exactly include what I hoped it to include, but none the less it contained hope.
It contained hope for us and our future.
All he needs is time.
And I completely understand that.
Time, if nothing else, is the best healer.
A week from today is a dance.
A week from today is a very important date.
A week from today, I will find out whether or not we will be getting back together.
I gave him a week to make his decision.
If all goes well, he will see me at the dance, in my long red gown and flawless makeup, and realize what he has been missing.
He has always told me that I don't need makeup. That he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I'm wearing.
But a week from today he will see me at the best that I can be.
I will be on the arm of another boy, and he will have to decide whether or not he likes that view.
Whether he wants to see me with another boy, or if he would rather have me on his arm.
I know what his answer would be 2 weeks ago. He never wanted me to leave his side.
But now that I have he is trying to protect himself from letting me back in, for I might hurt him again.
I know I won't hurt him again.
I just need him to know that and believe it.
I gave him a week.
A week for a lifetime.
After 2 days of complete ignorance, he decided to text me back.
The text didn't exactly include what I hoped it to include, but none the less it contained hope.
It contained hope for us and our future.
All he needs is time.
And I completely understand that.
Time, if nothing else, is the best healer.
A week from today is a dance.
A week from today is a very important date.
A week from today, I will find out whether or not we will be getting back together.
I gave him a week to make his decision.
If all goes well, he will see me at the dance, in my long red gown and flawless makeup, and realize what he has been missing.
He has always told me that I don't need makeup. That he thinks I'm beautiful no matter what I'm wearing.
But a week from today he will see me at the best that I can be.
I will be on the arm of another boy, and he will have to decide whether or not he likes that view.
Whether he wants to see me with another boy, or if he would rather have me on his arm.
I know what his answer would be 2 weeks ago. He never wanted me to leave his side.
But now that I have he is trying to protect himself from letting me back in, for I might hurt him again.
I know I won't hurt him again.
I just need him to know that and believe it.
I gave him a week.
A week for a lifetime.
January 7, 2012
The phrase, "Out of sight, out of mind" I have learned to be very true. Whether I want it to be or not.
I feel that because he doesn't see me very often, I am becoming part of the background in his life again.
I don't want this to be the case.
Over the break we saw each other almost every day. Before I messed everything up.
I didn't like seeing him every day. I loved it.
I didn't realize how much I needed his presence in my life until it abruptly stopped.
I make many mistakes in my life. In fact I make mistakes every day. But I never regret my decisions because they are my decisions and things happen because they are supposed to happen.
But I keep hope that when I mess up things will get better.
I have never been the relationship type. My last was 4 years ago and lasted about a month (8th grade romance, kinda dumb).
But since then I haven't been in a serious relationship.
Of course I've tried it with guys. Always the wrong ones though.
And he was always there for me when they broke my heart.
He was always there for me to cry to, or to vent to, or to give me advice- which was always to dump them...
I think he secretly wanted me for himself.
He actually told me that recently- that he wanted me for himself. Ever since freshman year.
I secretly knew that. And I secretly wanted him too.
So I would flaunt other guys in front of him.
I told him I had to date all the wrong guys before I could end up with him.
So we'd be perfect.
But then the time came for us to finally have our chance at a perfect relationship.
And it WAS perfect.
Except for one thing-
I'm not a relationship person.
And you know why I'm not?
Because I've dated all the wrong guys.
Plan backfired huh?
Yeah.
I thought it would work out but it didn't.
And I bailed.
Before I could really fall to the point where I couldn't get back up again, I left.
But this time I didn't just leave a guy that liked me.
I left a best friend.
A guy that loved me. A guy that I loved too but was too scared to handle.
It's harder to leave someone you care that deeply about.
But I managed to do it, and managed to completely shatter his heart in the process.
When his heart shattered a couple pieces came my way and broke a part of my heart too.
A part that I need to be whole again.
But I think I ruined it.
It is going to take a long time to fix both of our hearts again but I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
But now when we talk it's hollow.
We make conversation like we barely know each other.
That's the worst.
Our relationship dwindling to this- strangers.
I want him back.
But I don't know if he wants me.
I feel that because he doesn't see me very often, I am becoming part of the background in his life again.
I don't want this to be the case.
Over the break we saw each other almost every day. Before I messed everything up.
I didn't like seeing him every day. I loved it.
I didn't realize how much I needed his presence in my life until it abruptly stopped.
I make many mistakes in my life. In fact I make mistakes every day. But I never regret my decisions because they are my decisions and things happen because they are supposed to happen.
But I keep hope that when I mess up things will get better.
I have never been the relationship type. My last was 4 years ago and lasted about a month (8th grade romance, kinda dumb).
But since then I haven't been in a serious relationship.
Of course I've tried it with guys. Always the wrong ones though.
And he was always there for me when they broke my heart.
He was always there for me to cry to, or to vent to, or to give me advice- which was always to dump them...
I think he secretly wanted me for himself.
He actually told me that recently- that he wanted me for himself. Ever since freshman year.
I secretly knew that. And I secretly wanted him too.
So I would flaunt other guys in front of him.
I told him I had to date all the wrong guys before I could end up with him.
So we'd be perfect.
But then the time came for us to finally have our chance at a perfect relationship.
And it WAS perfect.
Except for one thing-
I'm not a relationship person.
And you know why I'm not?
Because I've dated all the wrong guys.
Plan backfired huh?
Yeah.
I thought it would work out but it didn't.
And I bailed.
Before I could really fall to the point where I couldn't get back up again, I left.
But this time I didn't just leave a guy that liked me.
I left a best friend.
A guy that loved me. A guy that I loved too but was too scared to handle.
It's harder to leave someone you care that deeply about.
But I managed to do it, and managed to completely shatter his heart in the process.
When his heart shattered a couple pieces came my way and broke a part of my heart too.
A part that I need to be whole again.
But I think I ruined it.
It is going to take a long time to fix both of our hearts again but I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
But now when we talk it's hollow.
We make conversation like we barely know each other.
That's the worst.
Our relationship dwindling to this- strangers.
I want him back.
But I don't know if he wants me.
January 3, 2012
Today we had our first school soccer game.
We lost 5-3. With 2 own goals off of corner kicks.
Own goals should never happen.
I scored twice, one off of a penalty kick and one off a free kick.
Another girl scored our third- it was beautifully placed.
I am upset about the outcome because our team is very young this year and has a lot of work to do.
But things will work out, I know they will.
If they don't, by the end of the season all of my hair will have been pulled out I swear.
We lost 5-3. With 2 own goals off of corner kicks.
Own goals should never happen.
I scored twice, one off of a penalty kick and one off a free kick.
Another girl scored our third- it was beautifully placed.
I am upset about the outcome because our team is very young this year and has a lot of work to do.
But things will work out, I know they will.
If they don't, by the end of the season all of my hair will have been pulled out I swear.
January 2, 2012
I went to a party and one of my friends told me that my best friend (the one who I was thinking about dating, then bailed on) had nice things to say about me.
This surprised me but I was happy about it because if I could be a total bitch to him and still have him want me- he must care a lot.
That is what he told me.
So I texted him that night.
I told him that our friend said he had nice things to say about me and thank you.
I then took a shower and when I got out I had a couple missed texts from my best friend.
He was freaking out.
He told me that he will be completely honest with me- he was upset and said things he didn't mean.
He called me psycho.
My face dropped.
Are you kidding me?? Calling ME psycho? This had to be a joke.
My best friend out of ALL people.
He knows everything about me. Literally everything.
He knows all of my secrets and all of my past and he has always been there for me.
He knows I am emotionally and mentally messed up. He knows that. I know he knows that.
That's okay that he knows that because he loves me in spite of it. Or so I thought.
He completely betrayed my trust.
I was contemplating giving it another go- trying our relationship again because if it was going to work with anyone it would be him.
But THAT TEXT. That was the last straw.
I hate saying this, really I do, but I do not consider him as good of a friend as I thought he was.
He knows I'm messed up but he shouldn't be telling one of our friends that.
Even when I was venting to my friends about the situation and they were sympathizing with me I told them not to- I told them to be on HIS side because he did nothing wrong, I was the crazy one.
Even then. In the privacy of my friend's trust. I did not say one bad thing about him.
That's all I have to say.
This surprised me but I was happy about it because if I could be a total bitch to him and still have him want me- he must care a lot.
That is what he told me.
So I texted him that night.
I told him that our friend said he had nice things to say about me and thank you.
I then took a shower and when I got out I had a couple missed texts from my best friend.
He was freaking out.
He told me that he will be completely honest with me- he was upset and said things he didn't mean.
He called me psycho.
My face dropped.
Are you kidding me?? Calling ME psycho? This had to be a joke.
My best friend out of ALL people.
He knows everything about me. Literally everything.
He knows all of my secrets and all of my past and he has always been there for me.
He knows I am emotionally and mentally messed up. He knows that. I know he knows that.
That's okay that he knows that because he loves me in spite of it. Or so I thought.
He completely betrayed my trust.
I was contemplating giving it another go- trying our relationship again because if it was going to work with anyone it would be him.
But THAT TEXT. That was the last straw.
I hate saying this, really I do, but I do not consider him as good of a friend as I thought he was.
He knows I'm messed up but he shouldn't be telling one of our friends that.
Even when I was venting to my friends about the situation and they were sympathizing with me I told them not to- I told them to be on HIS side because he did nothing wrong, I was the crazy one.
Even then. In the privacy of my friend's trust. I did not say one bad thing about him.
That's all I have to say.
January 1, 2012
Another boy texted me on New Year's Eve.
He is two years older than I and does not yet have the respect of my brother.
I don't blame him.
His text said, "I want to see you." around an hour before midnight. I asked him why and he said just because. (That isn't a good enough reason for me).
That was the extent of our conversing that night.
Background:
Over the summer my best friend Emily fell in love with an older boy. All of our friends were skeptical of this boy's intentions at first but then I grew to like him. And I liked Emily with him. They made each other happy. Hanging out with Emily and her boyfriend of course led to hanging out with some of her boyfriend's friends. One of his friends noticed me out of all of Emily's friends. I was flattered. So we started texting (He got my number from Emily). When he went back to college he continued to check up on me every now and then- to see how I was and to see what I was up to. This was nice. To have someone interested in me. But that's all it was- a boy who flattered me. Until Thanksgiving break came. He pursued me even more when he was back in town. Whenever I was with Emily (which would be almost every day) he would ask to hang out with us and Emily's boyfriend. So we did. It was fun. I told my brother about him because they are in the same grade and my brother immediately said to stay away from him,(as other people had told me also) that he was not someone I wanted to associate myself with. I headed my brother's warning but I decided that I would make that judgement call myself because I knew him better than my brother. Thanksgiving break ended just as quickly as it came and the last night he was in town he tried to kiss me. I didn't let him. I felt bad but I wasn't ready to start something with a boy that didn't live in the same city, let alone state, as I. So we left it at that. Until Christmas break. Which was only two weeks later. When he came back in town he asked me to go on a date with him. I respectfully declined and said I didn't think that would be a good idea. (At this point I was talking to my best friend again about being more than friends.) He didn't like my response and told me not to kick him to the curb until I knew what he had to offer. So I went on a date with him. It was fantastic. We ate dinner and went back to his house to watch a documentary he was telling me about. (We have a lot of common interests.) It wasn't awkward all night and when he dropped me off at my house he kissed me. A couple days later he asked me out again, and at this point my best friend and I decided that we should take our relationship to the next level and try being more than friends, so I declined a second date. He did not like this. I had nothing else to say to him, so I didn't.
I spent New Year's Day with my other best friend Reagan. (I have about 9 girls that I will truly call my best friends.) We went to a guy's house during the day and had a day party. Those are the most fun. It was about 10 boys, Reagan and I. I like it that way. No other girls. It's much less dramatic.
He is two years older than I and does not yet have the respect of my brother.
I don't blame him.
His text said, "I want to see you." around an hour before midnight. I asked him why and he said just because. (That isn't a good enough reason for me).
That was the extent of our conversing that night.
Background:
Over the summer my best friend Emily fell in love with an older boy. All of our friends were skeptical of this boy's intentions at first but then I grew to like him. And I liked Emily with him. They made each other happy. Hanging out with Emily and her boyfriend of course led to hanging out with some of her boyfriend's friends. One of his friends noticed me out of all of Emily's friends. I was flattered. So we started texting (He got my number from Emily). When he went back to college he continued to check up on me every now and then- to see how I was and to see what I was up to. This was nice. To have someone interested in me. But that's all it was- a boy who flattered me. Until Thanksgiving break came. He pursued me even more when he was back in town. Whenever I was with Emily (which would be almost every day) he would ask to hang out with us and Emily's boyfriend. So we did. It was fun. I told my brother about him because they are in the same grade and my brother immediately said to stay away from him,(as other people had told me also) that he was not someone I wanted to associate myself with. I headed my brother's warning but I decided that I would make that judgement call myself because I knew him better than my brother. Thanksgiving break ended just as quickly as it came and the last night he was in town he tried to kiss me. I didn't let him. I felt bad but I wasn't ready to start something with a boy that didn't live in the same city, let alone state, as I. So we left it at that. Until Christmas break. Which was only two weeks later. When he came back in town he asked me to go on a date with him. I respectfully declined and said I didn't think that would be a good idea. (At this point I was talking to my best friend again about being more than friends.) He didn't like my response and told me not to kick him to the curb until I knew what he had to offer. So I went on a date with him. It was fantastic. We ate dinner and went back to his house to watch a documentary he was telling me about. (We have a lot of common interests.) It wasn't awkward all night and when he dropped me off at my house he kissed me. A couple days later he asked me out again, and at this point my best friend and I decided that we should take our relationship to the next level and try being more than friends, so I declined a second date. He did not like this. I had nothing else to say to him, so I didn't.
I spent New Year's Day with my other best friend Reagan. (I have about 9 girls that I will truly call my best friends.) We went to a guy's house during the day and had a day party. Those are the most fun. It was about 10 boys, Reagan and I. I like it that way. No other girls. It's much less dramatic.
December 31, 2011
The very first minute of the new year my lips were touching another boy's.
They weren't the originial lips I thought mine would be touching at this moment, nor the next lips in line.
In fact, they were the lips I have wanted to kiss me since Homecoming night, and long before that even, but never thought would. My other best friend's.
I have grown up with him since kindergarten, he and his sister.
I still remember our childhood endeavors on the playground and running in and around both of our houses.
Our bond has been something that has continually gotten stronger with time; he has always been there for me on my drunken nights- offering a strong shoulder to help me stay upright and a hand to help me into cars.
He has always been the first one to open a door for me.
Over the summer he protected me from perverted boys- telling me to cover my body with a towel because he noticed a few of his friends eyeing me as I walked past them.
He has two sisters so he knows how to treat girls.
He respects me and I respect him equally.
We have been on lunch dates and gone to a dance together. Always as friends.
On Homecoming night I thought I would recieve my first kiss from him. I didn't. Then I figured it would come the next night either at the dance or afterwards when he dropped me off. Still no kiss. So I gave up. He didn't want me and I was fine with that- just another friend. Just another really good friend.
This was the boy that kissed me on New Year's.
They weren't the originial lips I thought mine would be touching at this moment, nor the next lips in line.
In fact, they were the lips I have wanted to kiss me since Homecoming night, and long before that even, but never thought would. My other best friend's.
I have grown up with him since kindergarten, he and his sister.
I still remember our childhood endeavors on the playground and running in and around both of our houses.
Our bond has been something that has continually gotten stronger with time; he has always been there for me on my drunken nights- offering a strong shoulder to help me stay upright and a hand to help me into cars.
He has always been the first one to open a door for me.
Over the summer he protected me from perverted boys- telling me to cover my body with a towel because he noticed a few of his friends eyeing me as I walked past them.
He has two sisters so he knows how to treat girls.
He respects me and I respect him equally.
We have been on lunch dates and gone to a dance together. Always as friends.
On Homecoming night I thought I would recieve my first kiss from him. I didn't. Then I figured it would come the next night either at the dance or afterwards when he dropped me off. Still no kiss. So I gave up. He didn't want me and I was fine with that- just another friend. Just another really good friend.
This was the boy that kissed me on New Year's.
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