January 7, 2012

The phrase, "Out of sight, out of mind" I have learned to be very true. Whether I want it to be or not.
I feel that because he doesn't see me very often, I am becoming part of the background in his life again.
I don't want this to be the case.
Over the break we saw each other almost every day. Before I messed everything up.
I didn't like seeing him every day. I loved it.
I didn't realize how much I needed his presence in my life until it abruptly stopped.
I make many mistakes in my life. In fact I make mistakes every day. But I never regret my decisions because they are my decisions and things happen because they are supposed to happen.
But I keep hope that when I mess up things will get better.
I have never been the relationship type. My last was 4 years ago and lasted about a month (8th grade romance, kinda dumb).
But since then I haven't been in a serious relationship.
Of course I've tried it with guys. Always the wrong ones though.
And he was always there for me when they broke my heart.
He was always there for me to cry to, or to vent to, or to give me advice- which was always to dump them...
I think he secretly wanted me for himself.
He actually told me that recently- that he wanted me for himself. Ever since freshman year.
I secretly knew that. And I secretly wanted him too.
So I would flaunt other guys in front of him.
I told him I had to date all the wrong guys before I could end up with him.
So we'd be perfect.
But then the time came for us to finally have our chance at a perfect relationship.
And it WAS perfect.
Except for one thing-
I'm not a relationship person.
And you know why I'm not?
Because I've dated all the wrong guys.
Plan backfired huh?
Yeah.
I thought it would work out but it didn't.
And I bailed.
Before I could really fall to the point where I couldn't get back up again, I left.
But this time I didn't just leave a guy that liked me.
I left a best friend.
A guy that loved me. A guy that I loved too but was too scared to handle.
It's harder to leave someone you care that deeply about.
But I managed to do it, and managed to completely shatter his heart in the process.
When his heart shattered a couple pieces came my way and broke a part of my heart too.
A part that I need to be whole again.
But I think I ruined it.
It is going to take a long time to fix both of our hearts again but I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
But now when we talk it's hollow.
We make conversation like we barely know each other.
That's the worst.
Our relationship dwindling to this- strangers.
I want him back.
But I don't know if he wants me.